Surprise! Reality TV is Fake

cast of MTV's The Hills

AUGUST 18 2007

You might want to sit down for this one. Various sources have been breaking the story in bits and pieces, and it is almost too much for me to process all at once. MTV's reality TV show The Hills, famed for its gritty and real portrayal of the human condition stripped down to its very core, has been unmasked as a phony, fake-ass fraud.

First we have this disturbing item on Page Six, wherein a disgruntled New York diner describes how the show's cast and crew ruined his nice expensive dinner at Da Silvano with their pageant of food-ordering fakery:

"It was clear that this show is not a reality show. They took five takes of Lauren ordering dinner. The film crew took over the outside eating area by setting up lights and cameras everywhere. They should go back to California."

OMG NO! Each time Lauren has ordered food on TV in the past, I thought I was watching, in immediate real time, a human female embroiled in the throes of that ever-burning question: the chicken or the steak? The wrong choice could cost her everything. But now that I know that crucial moment of choice is not even shown in the final cut, the show has lost all of its value to me. Perhaps they even scripted the choice in the first place based on focus groups and market analysis. Up yours, existentialism.

Then we have the revelation that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's ring and engagement may both be fake! First, the ring. [Insert "now she's got something to go with her fake tits" joke here]. It was purchased with a borrowed (from Brody Jenner) credit card from the Ice Accessory store, which is apparently only a small step up from sparkly headband wonderland Claire's. It appeared to be quite the formidable rock, until TMZ's "sources" spoiled the fun by saying that:

"the pink diamond is really a lavender, lemon amethyst! The ring is surrounded by diamonds and the ring retails for $2,890!"

Only $2,890? And you had to borrow a credit card to buy it? I guess being a D-list reality TV star isn't as lucrative as I thought. Be warned, bra: Heidi Montag don't want no scrubs. Go start a fistfight with Paris Hilton or something. I guarantee your stock will rise.

Then we have the report from Radar that the two fucked up in an EW interview and said this:

"We can't wait to see how they edit that.... We would get engaged, we just wouldn't do it on Lauren's show."

Then they started going on the radio and claiming they were engaged, and that they might even do a spin-off reality show about their wedding. Head explody!

Seriously, folks. This shit is so hyper-meta-fake that it makes me question the concept of reality itself. Is anything real? Am I secretly a robot? What if it's all a dream, man? I appreciate apocalyptic LA postmodernism as much as the next English major asshole, but enough is enough. I propose a return to those openly fake shows of the past, in which "actors" were shown "playing characters" other than themselves, with the occasional awkward cameo from a celebrity famous for actual things he or she had done. I know some of you are too young to remember, but those shows were actually pretty good. And they didn't frighten me nearly so much.