Tom Cruise Uncut: The Freedom Medal Award Ceremony

Yesterday's ten minutes of Tom Cruise madness? Tip of the proverbial iceberg, SPs. The entire hour-long video, as the boss pointed out, has been passing between journos and Scientology critics for a while now. And someone sent us the whole director's cut. Attached, a couple clips from the ceremony honoring Tom Cruise's official Freedom Medal Of Valor (for Achievement in the Field of Excellence). Tom Cruise, as you'll see, destroyed the field of psychiatry itself, fought government oppression, and spread incomprehensible jargon across the entire world. Go ahead and cancel the Oscars, we'll happily watch this.

"If a Scientologist is a street sweeper, it is his responsibility to apply Scientology to his zone, and whoever he may interact with, and no, it's not an option," Scientology head David Miscavige explains. "When you stepped on the path and had your first cognition, you also stepped on the path to carry it forth."

"Every move translates to countless impressions," the movie trailer voice-over guy insists in his Tom Cruise intro. Did you know that every time you catch a minute of Mission Impossible on basic cable, you are being indoctrinated? It's true! Or at least the Church of Scientology rather wishes it was true.

You needn't watch all of the attached clips, but each one contains its own brilliant mixture of nonsensical jargon and discomfiting examples of the reach, power, and money of these legitimized Raelians.

Tom Cruise rescued America after 9/11. He saved all the firefighters with 9/11 cough! And he didn't ask permission.

Then, with the help of the Education Department's chief of staff and the FDA, Tom Cruise got Paxil banned. All by himself. And his embarrassing media tour where everyone learned that Cruise would like all the psychologists in the world jailed? That was good: 50 million people were made aware of the crimes of psychology. 5,000 people hear his word of Scientology every hour.

The video makes a damn good case for Tom Cruise being, if not Scientology's "number 2", definitely its most important emissary.

"So whattya say, should we clean this place up," Tom asks of the crowd in his acceptance speech. After watching the worshipful praise bestowed upon 2004's proud recipient of the IAS Freedom Medal of Valor, some of the claims in Andrew Morton's controversial biography seem a bit more believable. What's a field of freshly planted wildflowers for the man who does more than anyone else for raising consciousness of Scientology across the world? Even if Suri Cruise wasn't created with the frozen sperm of Scientology's founder, we can certainly understand why some of the philosophy's more devout adherents might think this man's offspring is the second coming of a prophet.