In the Wonderful World of Orgasms, is Honesty Really the Best Policy?
By: Rebecca Brown
Let me preface this by saying I’m not a sexpert—I just play one in my head.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all faked an orgasm or two somewhere along the way. It’s an accepted practice among women (I think), and still a largely disbelieved and ignored concept among men. Why do we do it? Why don’t we just have this awkward conversation once and improve our sex life for the relationship-span of that partner?
Wikipedia says that a person usually fakes an orgasm to avoid causing feelings of sexual inadequacy in his or her partner. I’ll buy that. But after conducting a highly scientific focus group (an email to female friends), I learned that our reasons for faking it fit more than just one category. Here are just a few:
The Donna Summer: You work hard for your money. Really hard. Sometimes it has nothing to do with our partner’s performance. Instead, it has everything to do with us, and how hard we work to keep our lives going.
We’re busier than ever. Our lives are good, but they’re high-maintenance. We’ve got a lot that needs attention: demanding jobs, growing children, aging parents, spiritual needs, friends we never get to see, stressed-out bodies, hungry pets, dinners to be cooked, shopping to be done, degrees to be pursued, books to read…good God, I’m tired just typing it all. By the time we’re horizontal (in most cases) on a bed (sometimes) and in the dark (hopefully not all the time) we’re presented with basically two scenarios:
Scenario One (allow 19–22 minutes) Oh, yes, yes, yes! Please—what? Does it feel good? Well, actually, if you could do that a little harder. No, not that hard. Wait, that’s too soft. Um, no, that’s not working either…why don’t you try it with your other hand? You know what, honey, it’s just not gonna happen tonight. Of course, it’s not you, babe. No, I’m just tired. What? No really, we can stop now. It’s okay. I promise it’s not you. Please, can you stop? ‘Cause that’s kind of hurting. Ouch! I know I liked it yesterday but I don’t like it now. Wait—stop! Come back! (Cue slamming door.)
Scenario Two (allow 8 seconds) Oh yeah, that feels great, babe. Right there, right there! Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!!
I’ll take Scenario Two, please, for six hundred dollars. I want to be a good communicator, especially in this most intimate of connections. But when you’re in Donna Summer Mode, your calculations tell you that it will take way longer to explain why it isn’t working than it would to just fake it and that can be overwhelming when you’re exhausted. Depending on your partner, sometimes even the most loving dose of tact and sensitivity won’t soften the blow for them or help them understand why, or more importantly, why not.
Lest we forget: if your partner is a man, most of them have absolutely zero concept of sex without orgasm. Can you imagine? Every single time you have sex with someone you have an orgasm. What would my life be like? Glowing skin! Shiny hair! Flat abs! Probably even a Nobel Peace Prize! Can somebody get me a penis over here?
Ah, but I digress. My point is, sex without orgasm for a man is a cruel joke, like New Year’s Day without football or Heidi Klum wearing a floor-length muumuu in a Victoria’s Secret ad. It just doesn’t compute. He might never get it, and a white lie or two isn’t going to kill anyone.
Now, before you get pissed off and accuse me of setting back the women’s movement two hundred years for advocating submissiveness in the bedroom, let me say this: A white lie every once in a while is okay. A white lie all the time is a façade. A sham. A damn disappointment. Because you work hard for your money, Donna. You deserve an orgasm. Hell, why not three or four?
What to do?
Don’t bring it up in the bedroom, in the supply closet, in the back seat of the car, or wherever the action happens (or doesn’t happen). Maybe the best thing to do is talk about it in a non-sexual place, and you probably shouldn’t be naked. It might work to think about the solution you want (like trying a different time of day); then present it as an adventure not a problem.
“Babe, remember how you wanted me to wear that beecatcher outfit? What if we tried it tomorrow morning? I have so much energy in the morning…I want to use it all on you.” Try to make it casual. Or as casual as discussing having sex in a beecatcher outfit during a commercial break during Law and Order can be.
The Philanthropist: We’re nurturing creatures. We want to spare our partner's feelings if it’s just not working, no matter what he or she tries. We’re also cheerleaders. We know that sometimes a great performance by us will help them get where they need to be. So we take one for the team. If this charitable act isn’t a regular thing, it’s probably OK.
Harry’s Teacher: this one applies only to those of us who have male partners. If you have a female partner, you’re really lucky. Because females know that not all of us can always have an orgasm from vaginal penetration.
I once had a conversation with a man that was scarily reminiscent of Harry in When Harry Met Sally. For convenience’s sake, we’ll call him Harry.
Harry’s chest was practically exploding with bravado when he told me that every single woman he’d ever been with had achieved an orgasm with absolutely no clitoral stimulation. First I laughed; then, on behalf of my gender, I tried hard to debunk this myth for him, bless his sweet little naïve heart. I cited statistics, I polled women in the bar where we were talking, I ran to a drug store to find a magazine—anything!—that would prove to him that this was unlikely, that someone along the way had faked it. But he wasn’t buying it. In fact, he told me I was probably just frigid or had been with inexperienced men. Wow, Harry. Your girlfriend must feel super-lucky.
Sadly, according to my informal focus group, I learned that most of us have been with our own version of Harry at one time or another. I’d like to think that most of them are well-meaning, caring guys that for one reason or another just haven’t read the instruction booklet yet, and obviously haven’t seen a Maxim Magazine since it came into publication.
So what do you do? Do you keep faking it? I think you get one Get Out Of Orgasm-Free Jail Free card and, after that, I say no, no, and hell no. If you’re with a committed partner, you owe it to him, to you and to the future of your relationship to tell him what feels good and what you want. Maybe his previous lovers were too lazy, didn’t care enough or just didn’t have the balls to have the conversation but, if you care about him—if you care about you—do it. Even if you’re in Donna Summer–mode, muster up the energy for a sexy little tutorial. Maybe even add a few toys to the mix, do a little demo for him, show him how you like it. (For those of you wrinkling your nose right now, what’s the problem? There’s no shame in the vibrator!)
If you’re not in a committed relationship, if this is just a one-time thing or someone you see no emotional future with, what’s the problem? Crack the whip! Why not practice a little on this guy? That way, when you’ve got someone you do see a future with in a nice tight vice grip with your thighs, you’ll be better prepared to give him a little 1-900-Y-O- U.
If things don’t work no matter what you try, you need to come clean without any gimmicks. No toys, no beecatcher outfits; nothing but you talking to your partner and being completely honest. You both might find the honesty a little painful, but once you’ve ripped off the band-aid, you’ll probably be on your way to the most satisfying and intimate sex of your life.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all faked an orgasm or two somewhere along the way. It’s an accepted practice among women (I think), and still a largely disbelieved and ignored concept among men. Why do we do it? Why don’t we just have this awkward conversation once and improve our sex life for the relationship-span of that partner?
Wikipedia says that a person usually fakes an orgasm to avoid causing feelings of sexual inadequacy in his or her partner. I’ll buy that. But after conducting a highly scientific focus group (an email to female friends), I learned that our reasons for faking it fit more than just one category. Here are just a few:
The Donna Summer: You work hard for your money. Really hard. Sometimes it has nothing to do with our partner’s performance. Instead, it has everything to do with us, and how hard we work to keep our lives going.
We’re busier than ever. Our lives are good, but they’re high-maintenance. We’ve got a lot that needs attention: demanding jobs, growing children, aging parents, spiritual needs, friends we never get to see, stressed-out bodies, hungry pets, dinners to be cooked, shopping to be done, degrees to be pursued, books to read…good God, I’m tired just typing it all. By the time we’re horizontal (in most cases) on a bed (sometimes) and in the dark (hopefully not all the time) we’re presented with basically two scenarios:
Scenario One (allow 19–22 minutes) Oh, yes, yes, yes! Please—what? Does it feel good? Well, actually, if you could do that a little harder. No, not that hard. Wait, that’s too soft. Um, no, that’s not working either…why don’t you try it with your other hand? You know what, honey, it’s just not gonna happen tonight. Of course, it’s not you, babe. No, I’m just tired. What? No really, we can stop now. It’s okay. I promise it’s not you. Please, can you stop? ‘Cause that’s kind of hurting. Ouch! I know I liked it yesterday but I don’t like it now. Wait—stop! Come back! (Cue slamming door.)
Scenario Two (allow 8 seconds) Oh yeah, that feels great, babe. Right there, right there! Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!!
I’ll take Scenario Two, please, for six hundred dollars. I want to be a good communicator, especially in this most intimate of connections. But when you’re in Donna Summer Mode, your calculations tell you that it will take way longer to explain why it isn’t working than it would to just fake it and that can be overwhelming when you’re exhausted. Depending on your partner, sometimes even the most loving dose of tact and sensitivity won’t soften the blow for them or help them understand why, or more importantly, why not.
Lest we forget: if your partner is a man, most of them have absolutely zero concept of sex without orgasm. Can you imagine? Every single time you have sex with someone you have an orgasm. What would my life be like? Glowing skin! Shiny hair! Flat abs! Probably even a Nobel Peace Prize! Can somebody get me a penis over here?
Ah, but I digress. My point is, sex without orgasm for a man is a cruel joke, like New Year’s Day without football or Heidi Klum wearing a floor-length muumuu in a Victoria’s Secret ad. It just doesn’t compute. He might never get it, and a white lie or two isn’t going to kill anyone.
Now, before you get pissed off and accuse me of setting back the women’s movement two hundred years for advocating submissiveness in the bedroom, let me say this: A white lie every once in a while is okay. A white lie all the time is a façade. A sham. A damn disappointment. Because you work hard for your money, Donna. You deserve an orgasm. Hell, why not three or four?
What to do?
Don’t bring it up in the bedroom, in the supply closet, in the back seat of the car, or wherever the action happens (or doesn’t happen). Maybe the best thing to do is talk about it in a non-sexual place, and you probably shouldn’t be naked. It might work to think about the solution you want (like trying a different time of day); then present it as an adventure not a problem.
“Babe, remember how you wanted me to wear that beecatcher outfit? What if we tried it tomorrow morning? I have so much energy in the morning…I want to use it all on you.” Try to make it casual. Or as casual as discussing having sex in a beecatcher outfit during a commercial break during Law and Order can be.
The Philanthropist: We’re nurturing creatures. We want to spare our partner's feelings if it’s just not working, no matter what he or she tries. We’re also cheerleaders. We know that sometimes a great performance by us will help them get where they need to be. So we take one for the team. If this charitable act isn’t a regular thing, it’s probably OK.
Harry’s Teacher: this one applies only to those of us who have male partners. If you have a female partner, you’re really lucky. Because females know that not all of us can always have an orgasm from vaginal penetration.
I once had a conversation with a man that was scarily reminiscent of Harry in When Harry Met Sally. For convenience’s sake, we’ll call him Harry.
Harry’s chest was practically exploding with bravado when he told me that every single woman he’d ever been with had achieved an orgasm with absolutely no clitoral stimulation. First I laughed; then, on behalf of my gender, I tried hard to debunk this myth for him, bless his sweet little naïve heart. I cited statistics, I polled women in the bar where we were talking, I ran to a drug store to find a magazine—anything!—that would prove to him that this was unlikely, that someone along the way had faked it. But he wasn’t buying it. In fact, he told me I was probably just frigid or had been with inexperienced men. Wow, Harry. Your girlfriend must feel super-lucky.
Sadly, according to my informal focus group, I learned that most of us have been with our own version of Harry at one time or another. I’d like to think that most of them are well-meaning, caring guys that for one reason or another just haven’t read the instruction booklet yet, and obviously haven’t seen a Maxim Magazine since it came into publication.
So what do you do? Do you keep faking it? I think you get one Get Out Of Orgasm-Free Jail Free card and, after that, I say no, no, and hell no. If you’re with a committed partner, you owe it to him, to you and to the future of your relationship to tell him what feels good and what you want. Maybe his previous lovers were too lazy, didn’t care enough or just didn’t have the balls to have the conversation but, if you care about him—if you care about you—do it. Even if you’re in Donna Summer–mode, muster up the energy for a sexy little tutorial. Maybe even add a few toys to the mix, do a little demo for him, show him how you like it. (For those of you wrinkling your nose right now, what’s the problem? There’s no shame in the vibrator!)
If you’re not in a committed relationship, if this is just a one-time thing or someone you see no emotional future with, what’s the problem? Crack the whip! Why not practice a little on this guy? That way, when you’ve got someone you do see a future with in a nice tight vice grip with your thighs, you’ll be better prepared to give him a little 1-900-Y-O- U.
If things don’t work no matter what you try, you need to come clean without any gimmicks. No toys, no beecatcher outfits; nothing but you talking to your partner and being completely honest. You both might find the honesty a little painful, but once you’ve ripped off the band-aid, you’ll probably be on your way to the most satisfying and intimate sex of your life.
