Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Celebritology Clip n' Save: The 411 for Jeremy Piven's 911

Oh, and lose the hat. (AP)

Jeremy Piven has a lot of hugging it out (bitch) to do.

The one-time buddy, collaborator, and dream road trip go-to guy (seriously, who hasn't wanted to hit Vegas with the Piv at least once?) seems to have evaporated. In recent months, he's done little to engender good will from fans, old friends or random restaurant employees. He's a one-man walking tutorial in boorishness and this behavior must be curtailed, I tell you, before his personal gaffes eclipse his masterful portrayal of agent Ari Gold on HBO's "Entourage."

We used to love the Piv. And we want him back.

To that end, sometime Celebritology contributor Lisa Todorovich and I have compiled a list of suggestions to help Piven get back on track:

1. Here's a tip: An "Entourage" DVD is not one. According to this handy guide, "a 15 to 20-percent tip is the going rate for meals, and the tip should be on the pre-tax total."

2. Perspective, dude. Yes, you have an Emmy, and "Entourage" is incredibly popular in L.A. But it still only has one-fifth the viewers of "Two and a Half Men."

3. Speaking of perspective, what happened to the "spiritual enlightenment" you supposedly gained doing that "Journeys of a Lifetime" show on the Travel Channel? Granted, Swami Ji doesn't have much opportunity to hang out with the runner-up from the last "America's Next Top Model," but we don't think he'd bust out with a "Don't you know who I am?" rant either.

4. John Cusack is your friend. And ("Must Love Dogs" notwithstanding) you are not now and will never be Lloyd Dobler, Roy Dillon or Martin Q. Blank.

5. Ad-libbing cuss words in front of kids is, like, not cool.

6. It's great that you're 40 and all, and sure, you've avoided commitment and are a cat-about-town -- yay you! But throwing yourself a Joe Francis-style birthday party doesn't make you the next Hef.

7. Do we really need to explain why this is just... skeevy? While we're sure she's fun to take to premieres and awards shows, don't listen to your mother.

8. Rugs are so Trump. Bald is beautiful. Follow Britney Spears's lead and lose the fake hair.

9. Hey stupid Cupid, don't ever take a photo like this again.

10. Describing yourself as "the pretty girl" is somehow icky. Stop it.

11. Learning to recognize your own car and paying the valet are generally considered good driving practices. ("You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys!")

12. If all else fails, there's always the paid-to-party circuit.